Adversity University

‘If I’m not risking death I’m not living’
the reigning middleweight champion mused,
as multiple microphones 
were shoved in his face.
Callen High Caliber Collins,
had eaten a sumo wrestlers breakfast
and qualified for cruiserweight
by the weight of his eyebrows.
Two billion people counted down the minutes and seconds.

Adversity University was emblazoned on High Caliber’s jacket,
and Guerilla Gorilla embroidered on his cap,
as he swaggered to the centre of the colosseum,
accompanied by his trainer, manager and cut man.
His entrance was a stark contrast
to his opponent’s Circus Soleil style entourage.

High Caliber’s opponent was universally known as The Beast.
In Oxford Street they call him Tracy.
It isn’t a drag name,
it’s a reference to the cyclone
that demolished Darwin in 1974.
When Sugar Ray Robinson killed a man in the ring
he bought the victims poverty stricken mother a house.
After Ben the Beast Baxter pummeled a comatose man,
on his way to the canvas,
he blew celebratory cigar smoke
into the face of the victim’s mother.
She was quicker than a rattlesnake,
with her canister of pepper spray.

Nobody wanted a man who donated his winnings
to rebuilding the lives of troubled teens
to lose to a distillery, casino and brothel owner,
but The Beast was a cold, calculating stalker,
who outweighed Collins by a sledgehammer
and a block of cement.
Betting against him was considered as risky
as surfing a tsunami.

As the referee issued his instructions,
High Caliber met the Beast’s murderous gaze,
with more funny faces
than an ocean liner of clowns.

The bell sounded.
High Caliber’s footwork was the envy of every hip hop genius.

By the time the Beast answered one question
there was a new wave of mysteries to solve.
Landing flush on Collin’s cranial fortress
was like hitting a dragonfly with a spit ball.
Every time The Beast grazed his skull,
counter punches flew
from angles more unexpected
than the weirdest creature in the queerest universe.

The beast finally landed a shot
that would have dazed a rhinoceros.
High Caliber returned fire with a right uppercut
and a double left hook.
As he waved the giant forward
hordes of doubters began to believe.

‘I’m going to make you my bitch’
the Beast raged,
like a badger taunted with a bullwhip.
The bell sounded.
A television audience that could’ve overcrowded
every stadium on Earth,
wanted High Caliber’s gloating, smirking, nemesis humbled,
like a Michelin star spangled sommelier
reduced to selling goon bags from his garage.
High Caliber put an imaginary microphone to his lips.
‘This pugilistic braniac is the ultimate Maniac,
The tide is coming in, your’e about to drown
Collins is your matador, not your rodeo clown.
‘Your big mouth looks like a mummified c%#@,’
the Beast goaded, from his corner stool,
between spitting out globules of
 diluted blood.

Round two commenced,
Baxter nearly false started,
on his way to colliding with the ropes.
For ten rounds he threw punches
fit to
 disfigure a Stegosaurus,
but failed to hurt the crazy clown,
who rolled his shoulders like Mayweather
and danced like Ali.
Baxter’s corner had no advice left,
unless volleys of vicious obscenities,
conveyed tactics.

A blind, naked hatred fueled hay maker
penalized Collins for standing still for a nanosecond.
A billion people groaned in unison
as he sank his knees, looking as incapacitated
as a bulldozer fighting pit bull.
‘A champion is someone who gets up when he can’t’,
roared the ghost of Jack Dempsey.
Before the referee could signal box on,
High Calibre was ambushed
with a series of kidney punches.

Discontent with a disqualification victory,
Collins summarized the latest research
on everything from self-hypnosis to veganism.
The day he stopped pissing blood,
he was shimmying up a hemp rope,
to a sun singed lookout,
for some relaxing hand stand push ups.
Collins promoter thought basketball
was a good way to break an ankle,
but he’d never explicitly forbidden
climbing like a human spider,
above a wild river.

The pre rematch publicity was plagued by rabid envy.
Journalist Jermaine Leech attempted to dispatch
Collins biography down the garbage chute hatch.
High Caliber sat silently,
waiting for the defamatory errors to pile up,
like the also rans in a crash them up derby.

“Eight minutes of overrated, orchestrated derision
is hit with instantaneous, spontaneous precision.
In bitter sediment clouds from my distant past
fools imagine self-sewn, flags flown at half mast.
I was buried upended, but I never surrendered!
I’m not one to portray powerful lungs as cystic,
I am a doubt demon purging, optimistic mystic;
knocking out once invincible happiness slayers,
slamming hate sprayers and gnawing naysayers,
outing Leeches who don’t want to be tax payers!
High Caliber has doused a smoking microphone,
Forget it Jermaine, all the fireworks have flown.

The rematch of the millennium arrived.
The brutal technician eyeballed the grinning warrior artist,
High Caliber had seen Baxter fall countless times in his mind.
“Knowledge is not enough, we must apply,
willing is not enough, we must do”
an apparition of Bruce Lee affirmed.

It was the strangest beginning to a bout.

High Caliber circled, like a ballet dancer/Tiger Shark.
“Are you a fighter or Margaret Fontaine”
the man with 666 tattooed on his chest roared.
In the dying seconds of round one,
the bobbing, weaving, bombing Ben the Beast Baxter
walked into a left jab that obscured the hardest right hook
High Caliber had ever thrown.
As The Beast prepared for a left uppercut,
he was cracked with a right cross.
He returned fire,
missing a retreating Collins by millimetres.


High Caliber wasn’t a “bring your muskets and cannons

to the paddock at noon” kind of guy.
Guns and Roses “Welcome to the Jungle” filled the arena.

 

An Insight into Australian Sporting Culture

You’re afraid of lapping lazy losers until you cook?
This thermometer has not even erupted yet sook.
It’s your destiny to swim in pain, you won’t drown,
it’s not a major fracture, how dare you slow down.
Ignore the blood blisters ballooning in your socks;
the only thing that matters is humbling the clocks.
If you can’t laugh at the river of sweat in your eyes
why look at your empty trophy cabinet in surprise?
To be a true champion you must forever refrain
from confusing discomfort with excruciating pain.
Under the tutelage of coach Penelope Slaughter,
you’ll learn to last, like a pearl diver under water.

Ruby Adagio

With ballerina elegance,
Ruby banishes the brilliance of lesser champions.
She doesn’t blast her opponent’s shots into plywood,
like a crude assassin,
her equivalent of a knockout blow
is as gentle as the valet parking of a vintage Rolls.
As nonchalantly as a child skimming stones across a pond,
she nudges resting touchers into the oblivion of the ditch.

Ruby’s admiration for her adversary’s finest moments
and respectful silence during their botched attempts at glory,
are as legendary as her invincibility.
Others pursue victory, Ruby chases beauty.

The glimmer in the tropical depths of her eyes intensifies
as she sends another shimmering, sailing ship embossed, bowl
arcing across a youthful summer green,
with impossible precision.

 

 

 

Photo

Inglewood Lawn Bowling Club, by Bill Longstaff

www.flickr.com/photos/57766598

Some rights reserved, you must acknowledge the author, provide a link to the license and indicate if changes were made. If you alter this work you must distribute your contribution under the same license as the original. You must not restrict others from doing anything the license permits. For further information use the link above.

 

Rambo Knievel

Rambo thinks I’ve got an unnatural fixation
on boring work, health and safety legislation.
I loathe that crazy braggarts sick insinuation
leaping into lakes, from supersonic sidecars,
seconds from organ splattering annihilation,
is the perfect perforation of peaceful paradise.
Risking lacerated limbs and a leaking spleen
is not my means of creating a thrilling scene.
There is no withering of life’s bountiful fruits
in dodging Knievel’s spine shattering pursuits.
I’d rather wander life’s labyrinth with wretches
seeking asylum from illness in acres of sketches,
or lose myself in psychedelic swirls,
orbiting tribes of buxom Goddesses
playing hide and seek in pools of pearls.

It’s usually those riddled with dementia,
who fail to see my craving for adventure.
Adventure minus a tailbone through the brain
risk of parachuting off the Eiffel Tower again.

 

 

 

Photo

Passion Fest MTX 9, by Ken Brynan

Ken Brynan

www.flickr.com/photos/kenbrynan/749733825

Some rights are reserved, you must acknowledge the author, provide a link to the license and indicate if changes were made. If you modify this work you are not allowed to distribute it. You must not prevent others from using it according to the license. For further information use the link above.

The Man, The Mouth

Marcellus Black Magic Ellis,
Jed Jedi Jameson wants to fight you again.

Paul, that unco loser fights like an orangutan!
The Ellis/Jedi training camp would be as ace
as a submarine soaring into outer space.
Shaggy men of the forest would give chase,
their gangly arms thrashing about the place.
To those wild orange dudes we gotta be fair,
the Black Magic Man would be bustin moves
Allah would have trouble teaching to Estaire.

Is that so?
Tell me about your training camp
for the Benny Bulldozer Beane bout.

Paul, first I wanna tellya-bout ‘The Black Superman Plan.’

Your latest album?

Yeah, the title track goes like this.
Beane fancied himself a master tactician,
but couldn’t land leather on this magician.
His corner men found it super frightening,
how my flashy flurries laughed at lightning.
The wounded Benny Beane went berserk
with pile driving jabs and fancy footwork,
but this hip hop dancing pugilist Ghost
made him look as agile as a fence post,
and killed the myth of a stoush he’ll shirk.

I’m a boxer who has held on to my health
against men who made Satan shit himself.
It’s comical repartee coupled with fistic fury
that convinces every expert square ring jury
I fight flabby taste testers from the brewery,
but my flurry-combination compositions
have destroyed great warriors ambitions.
The hapless Himey Hydrogen Bomb Heller
told Fight News he’d be the victorious fella
The one time he landed flush I didn’t flinch,
dodging his ton per square inch was a cinch!

Marcellus, where was I?
Ah your training camp,
for the Benny Bulldozer Beane bout,
what can you tell me about it?

After vintage victories
over Harold Hand Grenade Hodgkins,
Con Catapult Compton and Kane Krakatoa Krane
I needed a sparring partner that makes
head butting supersonic flails look free of pain.
I would’ve beat Beane if I’d sparred for just one day
but so my rep as the best in the galaxy wouldn’t fray,
I made fun of the diabolical Brutus Adonis Atilla Hun.
I said he couldn’t knock me out with an elephant gun.
Brutus drove over from Albany to go toe to toe.
He imagined the accelerator was my pretty face
as he passed Mark Webber on the Nullarbor bro.
He’s hell mean, he shaves with a machete
and cuts his finger nails with a guillotine.
He played pin the razor blade on the piranha,
in a wading pool, before he’d seen inside a pre-school.

Marcellus, I’ve heard Brutus is
a more ferocious version of a young Mike Tyson.
What else can you tell me about
the only Catholic in the world
with Atilla as his confirmation name?
To ordinary men Brutus is scarier than an ogre
with woolly mammoth tusks for body piercings.
The Delai Lama says ‘facing Brutus is real bad karma,
he has the power in both hands to slam dunk a shot put,
while weighed down by Henry the Eighth’s suit of armor.’
Legend has it he once fought a dragon bare knuckle,
that he cantered to the ring without an uneasy blink,
and made that fire breathing, bunyip snacking,
winged goanna look like a cowardly, unco skink.

Marcellus, according to the Daily Telegraph,
Brutus was attacked by a whale
and he left it sucking plankton through a straw, for a month.
Why aren’t you afraid of him?

Paul, before I gave that dude a boxing lesson
my Dad told me Brutus Adonis Atilla Hun
is as dangerous as a chainsaw fight,
on a barbed wire fence.
He said ‘I’d rather you try to out ski an avalanche,
while wearing scorpions for ear rings,
than spar this bloke.
For some resistance training is
dragging a tyre around a football field.
Brutus Adonis Atilla Hun ties himself to a rubber dinghy
with a sumo wrestler in it
and runs backwards, across the Kalahari Desert.
His heavy bag has its own carriage on a freight train.
It was lowered into Camp Marcellus Ellis by crane.
After a round with Brutus Hercules Hun
I was expected to be rubble.
The dude stabs crazed hornet swarms
with his thorny stubble.

Marcellus, I heard you baffled this behemoth.
I gave Brutus an induction into my hall of destruction,
goaded that mammoth monster into pugilistic mania,
he tried to wreak more havoc than Dracula in Romania.
Black Superman’s golden gloves exiled him to Tasmania.
In the last round I used his head for a bongo drum
while I read the sports pages.

Marcellus look, Brutus is here.
Paul, I’ve got to answer an ultra-confidential call.
That bomb proof chamber looks private enough.

Marcellus, he mentioned a catch weight
and living in a sauna.
Brutus claims he’ll still be as dangerous
as Jurassic mega fauna.

I was just offered two hundred million
to lead a celebrity boxercise class at Wembley Stadium.

Didn’t you say your phone battery is dead?
I’m kidding, point me towards the dotted line.
With both hands I’ll strike him like a land mine.