Living Garbage

Thornsword Earwig, telepathically ordered the latest version of Time Optimizer to call his wife. After analysing one hundred and seventy million words of his manual conversations it approximated his personality eerily well.

“A toxic afternoon to you too Jyena. Planet Droom is great babe, it’s a wonderful place to start a family.  Droom’s dominant creatures are anatomically almost identical to Homo sapiens, a typically stupid Earthling primate, but they’re much smarter. Droom is frequented by innumerable impressive species. Its prison population is hardly homogenous either and neither are the participants in its most popular reality television show Living Garbage. It’s a title that reminds me of your friends Jyena. I’ve already given you four extensions for your higher calibre acquaintances project, I look forward to the next update.”

“Returning to a more important subject, every episode of Living Garbage features an astounding array of incarcerated creatures Jyena. They’re the worst imaginable prisoners. A smattering of murderers and rapists, of valuable citizens, walk among the most despicable felons of all, activists. The most notorious is Lomandra Whamboozle. Her diabolical ascent among the ranks of anti juvenile slavery campaigners, resulted in her becoming the most wanted Droomian fugitive.

“No words can convey how grateful I am to those who apprehended her. The thought of having to purchase and insure an expensive robot to perform cleaning, cooking and maintenance tasks sickens me. It’s not necessary to insure juvenile slaves, they’re as replaceable as plastic bags. They can be abducted from planets in neighbouring galaxies thousands at a time. It’s like picking fruit without having to grow the orchards.  Lomandra Whamboozle and her comrades could have ended all that in less than a generation, if most of them hadn’t been so gloriously slain.”

“Like a lot of people, I was ecstatic when I heard Lomandra had been conscripted to appear on Living Garbage. Unbelievably, the multi species attacks on her, since her sentence began, have completely and utterly failed to break her spirit, but the 28th episode of Living Garbage will surely rectify that appallingly frustrating situation. Whamboozle has been led to believe the displaying, whipping, pawing and penetrating of her living carcass isn’t part of the show, that she will be given an opportunity to seek “justice” haha air quotes justice baby, air quotes justice. The Vangtorbs’s, Wungborb’s and Kraabslarb’s will teach her not to steal my slaves.”

“I’ve got to go Jyena, Living Garbage is about to start. What do you mean you have issues you need to discuss, didn’t you hear me, Living Garbage is about to begin. Cease your self centred whining woman and I will forgive you for speaking without an invitation to do so. Oh, you want a divorce do you? Call me back if you think of something important to discuss. It’s only ten seconds to Living Garbage sweetheart, make sure you call back during an ad break.”

The synthetic version of Thornsword was a tad tactless, but the next software upgrade was nigh. While Time Optimiser did its thing, Thornsword made millions, by more closely monitoring his investments. A few calls to financially influential people, on an intergalactic scale, still trumped automatic trading. Any remotely significant citizen could purchase the best software.

“That’s weird, normally Jyena would’ve called back already, to apologise for her insolence” Thornsword muttered to himself, as he watched the holographic orgy advertising his favourite brand of toothpaste. It was the first time he’d ever seen an ewok get down and down and dirty with an Andromedan goblin of any sort and he was impressed. As the advertisement receded, the mock courtroom, where Lomandra Whamboozle assumed justice was about to be served, came into focus.

At first, the fake judge spoke Droomian legalese with ease but after a while he sounded like he was referring to a teleprompter. Whamboozle looked confused. Thornsword assumed she was asking herself why on Droom would an experienced judge stumble through a routine part of their job. Suddenly the room inverted. The hem of Lomandra’s translucent floral dress clung to her face as she fell to the padded ceiling. Thornsword whistled in appreciation at her matching floral silk delicates. Lomandra was briefly stuck in the most squishy folds of a vast waterbed, her legs flailing uselessly. The Vangtorb’s, Wungborb’s and Kraabslarb’s, had anticipated the inversion, so they landed on their equivalent of feet.

Once the briefcases belonging to Lomandra’s pseudo legal team stopped bouncing they opened. There were no documents inside, just a vast array of sex toys. The drooling Vangtorb’s, Wungborb’s and Kraabslarb’s erotic tentacles were as hideous as tapeworm and as erect as skyscrapers. They were arguably the most disturbing manifestation of predatory euphoria ever seen on Living Garbage.

Lomandra Whamboozle didn’t mince words “In contrast with your kiss, bin juice tastes like heaven. The most wart infested arsehole in the galaxy looks gorgeous beside your plague comet nostrils and pus glacier eyelids” she roared at the biggest Vangtorb in the room. He looked somewhat taken aback.

“How about you drink the dregs of a Slorg Snail swamp and shit yourself to a death as gruesome as your smile” she continued, as though she were as willing to play the game as they.

“We’ve got a feisty one here boys. What shall we do first? Should we bring in the impregnation robots, to plant the seed of the oesophagus tarantula down her throat, the offspring of the sabre fanged glow worm in her entrails and the eggs of the parasitic scorpion in her womb or is that too kind?”

They all agreed it was too kind, even the nice guy among them, whose most heinous hobby was nothing worse than watching babies dissolve in vats of acid.

“Why does she look so confident?” Hoobmafia Gronkbland nervously asked the amorous horde. They didn’t bother to answer. They were too busy encircling and closing in on Ms Whamboozle. The smallest among them was a powerlifter five times her size.

The fleet of butt plugs, double ended dildos and transforming vibrators followed the commands of  Trargchomper, a four hundred kilogram Kraabslarb. He looked like the conductor of an orchestra, as he waved them forward in a variety of swarming formations.

“Exit pseudo co-operation mode” Lomandra commanded. The devices hovered as still as the opals in the wall.

“Enter attack mode!” she spat. Her dildo, butt plug, vibrator and penis pump air force revealed their retractable tranquiliser guns and fired a barrage of automated syringes at Lomandra’s assailants.

“Rape them, rape them, rape them you stupid bitch” Thornsword Earwig yelled at his holographic television. His more explicit instructions made the director of the most nightmarish Earthling porno sound romantic.

“Enter defence mode” Lomandra barked at her sex toy squadrons. Not surprisingly, she ignored the hideous viewer suggestions that were being transmitted into the would be torture chamber, at a rate of fifteen per minute. The overlapping voices were an attempt to simulate schizophrenia. Lomandra’s unconventional bodyguards swarmed around her. The studio guards didn’t dare call for reinforcements, let alone attempt to stop her themselves.

“Enter platform mode” Whamboozle whispered as the last guard slumped to the ground, with a tranquilizer syringe protruding from his buttocks. Lomandra flew over the Living Garbage studio wall, on a magic carpet of penis pumps.”

Thornsword looked so ill that one could be forgiven for thinking he was possessed by a Varkonian Cranium Worm. He’d bet ten times as much money on the outcome of Living Garbage than he’d made by delegating his marriage conversational duties to Time Optimiser. Thanks to Thornsword, Living Garbage’s co-producer, that disinherited loser Vortex Varnisher the 5th, had been able to buy an orbiting bachelor pad. Thornsword asked for nothing more than Vortex Varnisher granting Lomandra Whamboozle access to Living Garbage’s computer network, under the guise of having his way with her in his office.

Apparently Vortex Varnisher had also allowed Whamboozle to change the passwords to the doors between the various layers of the buildings. Why hadn’t Whamboozle taken the opportunity to seek revenge on her leering, pawing, probing fellow contestants? What was wrong with that woman? All she had to do was rape Gronkpanza the Vangtorb and Spewrash the Kraabslarb and that would be five million Droomian dollars split twenty/eighty. With so many episodes left to bet on, he couldn’t afford not to pay her.

Radio Fallout

“This is your morning show host,
Miles Platinum, on 2GC.
Responsible protestors are out in force today.
Their banners read:
“Don’t fuck, don’t fiddle.
“Contraception is evil.”
“Miscarriage is murder.”
“War is the road to peace.”
“The Flintstones is a documentary.”
“Science is a cult.”
“Ban teenage pregnancy.”
“Burn French letters.”
“Cognitive dissonance has too many letters.”

Get your protesters license today.
And remember,
unauthorized slogans may result in kneecapping,
according to riot police discretion.

In other news,
the Heroin Dealers Association
successfully lobbied parliament
to abolish quality controls today.
According to a recently deceased journalist
“Black Pearl Corp’s needle samples have sampled everything.”
Rinsing is expensive, autoclaving unthinkable.
Needle exchange nurses,
they’re worse for business
than a tsunami at a seaside resort.
Their lead coffins are free.
Their cemetery lies beyond the continental shelf.
Our benevolent dictator says
“They’re good guys,
they did a terrific job, tremendous”
the executioners that is.

Making environmental news today,
satellite pictures of our world heritage listed areas,
have revealed mountains of syringes,
coated in the bloated corpses of endangered species.
Rangers cigarette butts float to earth like dead bees.
Concreting over all remaining wilderness
is the only means of cleansing the nation.
Syringe Everest tourists,
run over litter bugs for sport.
They empty their tanks on the way to nowhere.
May they crucify other ecological crusaders
and exchange their barbed wire crowns
for armoured vehicles.

Yesterday, climate change hoaxer Rob Green
lit a fire on his rural property.
Hazard reduction burning?
That’s as deranged as brain transplants.
You’re a hypocrite Green.
Sparky wants you for arson.

According to a discredited journalist,
who was reported missing on Monday,
my urban cottage has four fireplaces.
I want justice.
The defamation inferno is out of control.

Sydney property values continue to plummet.
Some blame white supremacist gentlemen,
for replacing their footballs
with the heads of refugee quadruple amputee scum.
Those in the know blame Islamic immigration.
My equity sales have sailed beyond the horizon.
I demand compensation.
It’s worse than the Great Depression.

Cricket Man aka Nostradamus Bradman

If you aren’t familiar with the sport of cricket that will be a barrier to understanding many of the details of this story. I recommend watching some highlights on YouTube and researching the jargon I’ve used.

“You should be worried” Nostradamus warned opposition coach, painter, agriculture teacher, hairdresser and poultry show extraordinaire Randall Grey, as he strolled to the pitch.

“About what Nostradamus, if one of my boys flukes getting you out I’ll be happy and if I witness another of your brilliant displays I’ll be happy.”

“Grey, You need to move your mind, the way I move my feet, to do the dance they call lateral thinking. The possibilities are endless. Me destroying your bowling attack and my freak dismissal are just two blades of grass in an outfield where every blade is unique”

“They all look the same to me”

“Look closer”

“Five sixes, one single” Nostradamus Bradman declared to all within throwing distance, as calmly and resolutely as a man ordering drinks. Every six struck the sight screen. His batting partner Dexter Matrix was so confident all five would clear the boundary rope that he was engrossed in an online game of chess, until Nostradamus signalled that the final ball was about to be bowled.

Dexter wasn’t a cricketer, he was a sprinter, there for the sole purpose of running quick singles, with the knowledge that Bradman would retain the strike. On the rare occasions Matrix had to face a ball, Bradman instructed him to step as far forward as possible, always play a shot and always with his pads in line with the stumps. Matrix was yet to meet a wicket keeper with reflexes quick enough to stump him. After one of his mighty air swings the kid could spin faster than a cockroach and lunge at the crease quicker than a man in concrete boots snatches at a life raft.

In just two overs, Bradman had painted a smiley face on the sight screen with the cherry red stains of the six stitcher.

“Kindergarten art, so what” Randall Grey mocked, from what he assumed was a safe distance beyond the boundary rope. He was working on his Archibald Prize entry. In his twenty years of attempting to make the final, apparently nobody had told him one of the conditions of entry was that the portrait had to be of a human. Grey shook his head as his prize turkey Julius did his best to imitate a body builder. Julius was quickly running out of poses.

Grey had decided long ago there was no point in trying to help his team tactically out manoeuvre Nostradamus Bradman. They were as outclassed as the clumsiest drunk against Muhammad Ali in his prime.

To the umpire’s chagrin some younger students began moving the sight screen without consulting the batsman. Bradman couldn’t have cared less. If the ball had of been camouflaged with the pitch and the size of a dehydrated pea, he’d still have spotted it as easily as a beach ball. The kids wanted to see what shots he had besides sixteen kinds of straight drives and they weren’t disappointed. By the tenth over he’d hit the sight screen with a reverse cut and a reverse sweep. He’d turned a yorker into a waist high full toss and smashed it over the wicket keepers head, striking his target with millimetre precision. That particular cherry red blotch formed the pupil of the left eye, of the emerging portrait.

After hearing about the impossible feats occurring on oval one, the players in matches on surrounding grounds dropped their bats and balls, to join the procession to the grandstand. As soon as Randall Grey recognised himself, in the cherry red portrait, he dug a pen and pad from his briefcase and offered his autograph to everyone in sight.

A mysterious suit clad figure looked on from the hill, on the opposite side of the ground. He paid no attention to the laptop perched on his briefcase. The way his eyes flitted from one part of the sight screen to another was reminiscent of a child playing Where’s Wally, but there was clearly no striped t-shirt figure to be seen.

Nostradamus Bradman wasn’t merely controlling the trajectory of his cherry bullets, he was imparting the ideal amount of spin for the red blotches to blend into one another as though they’d been applied with a brush. Randal’s pallor was suddenly as grey as his name. His grotesque smirk turned to a snarl, as he realized Bradman had depicted a translation of the tattoo on his right forearm.

The mysterious figure on the hill was suddenly paying more attention to his laptop than the game. Nostradamus had found the translation of Grey’s tattoo in a diary, hidden inside a hollowed out manual for an obsolete computer program. It looked like a password. That was all that Bradman knew.

Grey, his suspected victims and his sabouteurs had been under surveillance for months. Recently he’d communicated with several suspected members of an organized crime network, on the dark web. They were believed to be heroin dealers who had branched out into human trafficking for the purposes of organ harvesting, forced labour, arranged marriages, sexual slavery and hair extensions. In his conversations with these tyrants, Grey alluded to the secret meaning of his tattoo, which consisted of writing in an archaic language the police had been unable to identify let alone decipher.

Using a telephoto lens Detective Sherlock Columbo photographed the jumble of numbers and letters, which he believed was the password to a collection of illegal videos. By the time Columbo and his fellow investigators had finished watching the movies their throats were sore from puking and their abdominal muscles strained from laughing. To say all of them were in desperate need of a holiday is like pointing out that the sun is warmer than frozen hydrogen.

What the investigators discovered was appalling, but not as horrific as what they’d expected to find. If the expressions Randall Grey’s flock of turkeys wore were any indication, they begged to differ. The ones in the audience looked just as shocked at his co-stars. Apparently Grey was a celebrity in avian porn circles. The golden mask and the harpy suit he wore to the bird masquerade ball weren’t enough to conceal his identity from those who knew him best, his turkeys. The investigators were forced to rely on the credits.

Among Grey’s bad habits was leaving his phone in his car. This prevented him from logging into the site and deleting his channel before Nostrodamus Bradman clobbered the battered six stitcher down the ground, striking the remote control for a big screen television, from so far away he’d had to allow for the curvature of the Earth. Bradman’s next attempt missed the intended target by a coat of varnish, sparing Grey’s ancient parents the horror of discovering the true nature of their son’s passion for turkeys.

Bradman indulged in more switch hitting. This time he played a reverse hook, which flew like a Tiger Woods tee shot, soaring over the grandstand, to the top of the hill, in the centre of Grey’s farm, through his kitchen window and into his loungeroom. The ball finally struck the trophy that depicted Grey in a compromising position with a bewildered Ostrich, smashing that monument to his avian amorousness into multiple pieces.

Without the GPS chip embedded into the ball, Bradman would’ve needed to catch a taxi to check the result. He was the only cricketer in history that required expertise in cartography to master his craft.

Grey’s trial took place on the day the finalists for the Archibald Prize were chosen. His entry was among them. On a whim he’d decided to paint his reflection in Julius’s sunglasses. He considered it his worst entry in years, thanks to Julius sub standard modelling. Why he’d made the finals now, after all this time, he had no idea.

There was a delay in proceedings. Grey was out on bail, on the condition that he didn’t go within a mile of a poultry farm. He planned to use the opportunity to stand near his painting, in the Archibald Prize exhibition and listen to everyone’s praise for what he called one of his Rembrandt humbling masterpieces. Despite Julius’ poor performance, Grey fully expected to be the winner.

Meanwhile the philanthropic heavyweights of the Australian art world were in a meeting with the curator of the Art Gallery of New South Wales “It doesn’t matter how long the opening of the exhibition has to be delayed. As long as you don’t jeopardise the structural integrity of the building we don’t care how many walls you have to rebuild twice to get that sight screen in and out” the chairman, Corey Harvard, bellowed. Corey had made a name for himself tattooing unicorn riding Cossacks on to yeti pelts. The man had one hundred and twenty million followers on WordPress.

“Corey, why can’t we just cut the screen into segments and reassemble it?” Ava Ferrari, the horrified engineer protested.

“Miss Ferrari, I suppose you would turn the original Mona Lisa into a puzzle too wouldn’t you, if you thought it would get you out of a few hours of work”

 

Horace Henley

On the downside,
Horace was an arrogant, ignorant, argumentative,
callous, remorseless, dishonest, manipulative,
tantrum prone, domineering, violent, adulterous,
greedy, middle class snob.
Ridicule, threats and lies were his teaching tools.
When he was cheerful he could be lenient,
until your suffering become inconvenient.
His calculated generosity, was a lever for manoeuvring
excruciating boulders of condescension and pomposity.
“How dare you defy me”
he roared, like an emperor to a slave.
“you’re useless” he repeated
until he was as hoarse as a desperate punter.

The underemployed, unemployed and unemployable
traded rations of cigarettes, lighters and coupons,
as they filed into Centrelink,
opposite Henley’s Camping Supplies.
Work was Horace’s drug of choice.
He imagined everyone had it on tap,
but some were too lazy to twist the faucet.
In front of customers he was a lovable larrikin.
The great white shark t-shirt, from his staff,
went over his head like a pole vaulter.

“Without me, you lot would be the dregs of society,
lining up for a handout across the road”
he reminded his wife Sharona
and sister in law Lonnie.
Horace hired the best psychiatrist in the region,
to treat his family’s “mysterious” anxiety and mood disorders.
Like him, these conditions weren’t prey seeking missiles,
that killed as swiftly as falcons.

Horace didn’t have a personality disorder.
He was merely the carrier of misery and fear.
Growing up, the barrel of a shotgun
was as familiar to him as cornflakes.
He dealt in throws, kicks, slaps and backhanders.
“I’m a model of restraint” he boasted.
There was no walking away from his marathon tirades.
He was Fuhrer, educator and soother,
his role as unpredictable as mountain weather.

Horace taught his sons how to kick drop goals
and threw baseballs so high
they turned black in the twilight.
Catching fly balls became as natural as walking.
His lessons on romance involved
hiring eighteen year old back packers,
who looked like they’d stepped straight from the pages
of lingerie catalogues.
The interviews were camping trips.

Horace didn’t care who blitzed maths tests.
100% effort was a pass in his eyes.
A lack of enthusiasm
was akin to burning down the mint.
Jarrod always felt like 99.9% effort
was a crime worthy of being hung, drawn and quartered.

When he became as reclusive as a Himalayan mystic
and ate like he was preparing for a sumo tournament,
not an eleven kilometre fun run,
he finished miles behind his best.
Horace chipped away at his self esteem like an auger.
“If I sliced open that ice cream gut,
I could feed an army on dripping sandwiches.
You call yourself a jogger,
you make a penguin look like a springbok.”

Horace sold his camping store,
so he could spend all day woodworking, fishing
and listening to conservative shock jocks.
“Abolishing excess franking credits,
it’s a Labor Party commie plot.”
he roared at his local MP.
With only 1.2 million dollars to his name,
since the divorce,
how would he cope without profiting
from the Australian Tax Office?
All that Greens nonsense about tortured refugees
and the climate emergency,
had him reaching for a bucket.
What about the suffering of middle class retirees?

The Dregs of Drongo Vale

To quote Garth Izzard’s kindergarten teacher “That kid wouldn’t help an old lady pick up her walking stick, not unless she guaranteed him at least two thirds of her pension cheque first.”

Garth hadn’t grown kinder with age. As a boy Adolf Hitler had been his hero. After a while he noticed the correlation between praising Hitler and finding a steaming pile of dog turds in his lunch box. This prompted him to worship Richard Nixon’s secretary of state and Nobel Peace Prize winner Henry Kissinger instead. Garth’s favourite Kissinger quote is “the illegal we do immediately, the unconstitutional takes a little longer”. Izzardcorp’s Shareholders trusted him to apply this philosophy humanely.

Garth’s interest in the carbon trading scheme, reluctantly implemented by Prime Minister Jock Waffle, is as altruistic as God, all of Rudolph Mordor’s newspapers say so. Izzard was apoplectic with rage when he realized his weed imperilled wilderness on the outskirts of Drongo Vale had to be regenerated manually. He reluctantly provided his army of Sunday hippies with free tools from the reject depot of his hardware chain and permitted them to dumpster dive for biscuits, at the back of his supermarkets, providing they waived their right to insurance cover for needle stick injuries.

Garth was astonished to discover his flood of generosity wasn’t enough to inspire sixteen hour shifts of hacking into seething masses of Lantana and Morning Glory, with the ferocity of a Spartan warrior, in a fit of roid rage. Impatient to discard his ageing eco-maniacs, he fed their morning tea stockpile of stale biscuits and use by nineteen eighty six lime cordial to his pit bulls. They chased the hordes of doddering pensioners off his land once and for all. Garth’s departure speech was brief and brutal.

“If you greenies are doing what you love why do you need to be paid for your Olympic swimming pool of shirt saturating, eye stinging sweat? Fuck off you fucking hordes of tree hugging lemmings”

Garth’s chief accountant Niles Cash attempted to console his heartbroken employer
“Sir, unfortunately slavery is frowned upon in twenty first century Australia.
It must be hard to accept the mighty injustice that your problems can no longer be solved
with your favourite stock whip or cattle prod. Don’t fret, I’ve the utmost confidence
in Prime Minister Jock Waffle’s top secret plan to abolish the minimum wage.”

“Nile’s, why do the criminal classes expect to have their living handed to them on a platter?”

“Left wing lunatic propaganda makes them soft sir. Should I rebook your pedicure
and four hands Hawaiian massage, so your therapist can calm your Greenie mangled nerves?”

Garth eventually swallowed his pride and called Matt Rush, his estranged half brother and CEO of the self proclaimed “conservation kings”, Mother Nature’s Bodyguards. Whenever Matt wandered on to site, productivity plummeted and suicide climbed. He did the least damage when innovating from afar. His morning musings had recently led to the purchase of spy drones disguised as eagles. Unfortunately Matt’s budget only allowed for a brand manufactured in Albania. He often daydreamed about arming his surveillance fleet with low calibre weapons, to shoot down Indian Mynas. It was one of his more practical ideas.

Rush returned South Western Crew Supervisor Davo Davidson’s call, more aggressively than Andrei Agassi ever returned serve “Davo we aint changing the company name to The Weed Massacre Gurus. It’s the perfect label for a heavy metal band that advocates the use of hashish laced with crystal meth but not for a conservation company. Yes Davo, I know your Green Thumb Green Berets start screaming threats of violence at blackberry thickets before dawn, in between mumbling obscenities at tool thieving, hairy extra-terrestrial goblins, but it’s not something we want advertised on of our fleet of utes.
True, yesterday I said it’s your best idea ever but that wasn’t a compliment Davo, it was a comparison, like comparing influenza with radiation poisoning.”

“What! You’re planning to leave the company and you’re begging me to be your referee? If you leave this organisation in anything besides a body bag, all I’ll reveal to prospective employers is the true nature of your fixation with the rare Cumberland Plain Land Snail!”

Davo Davidson’s elite line up of chain sawing lunatics were yet to massacre a hectare of African Olives. Assistant supervisor Laura Bogan’s treatment of the jumping ant bite on Davo Davidson’s tackle was unorthodox to say the least. She was too focussed on her work to notice Davo’s video link to his backyard Cumberland Plain Land Snail farm.
These creatures are rare in the wild but at Davo’s place they’re in plague proportions.
“For Chrissakes not now” Davo hissed, as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He struggled to speak normally. Matt Rush’s voice tormented his ears like a demonically possessed angle grinder.

“Davo, if your hordes haven’t smashed five hectares of African Olives by midnight, you can forget about recouping the cost of fuel. Nathaniel Smoke and Mirrors Daniels, our new accountant, is more creative than Leonardo Da-Vinci. And don’t even think about sabotaging the spotlights.”

“Will you be paying us overtime rates Matt?”

“You want penalty rates, what’s the fucken point of penalising you if I have to pay for it?”

“I’ll go to the union.”

“Davo, if you approach the union, you and the snails gonna be all over YouTube. Oh, I nearly forgot, HR manager Gail Wilde will be on site tomorrow to discuss Mother Nature’s Body Guards anti-bullying policy. Make sure ya ready for that loser, or I’ll kick you up the arse so hard you’ll be farting through your nostrils and punch you in the nose so hard you’ll be sneezing out your arse. I’ve got to go Davo, the CEO of Stratosphere Apartments just arrived.”

“Yes Medusa, we’ve got that former wasteland, near the National Park, looking like forest wilderness and pretty signs advertising Stratosphere Apartments sponsorship. Nobody will suspect a thing until the bulldozers arrive. That penthouse discount is huge. Words can’t express my gratitude. Sorry, I must take this call.”

“Jonathon, of course I’m happy to edit that threatened species report for the solar farm construction site we’ve been working on. Yes, a few commas are out of place, of course that’s all you mean. I’ve got to go, Medusa Crabtree, the CEO of Stratosphere Apartments, is here for an urgent meeting.”

Matt Rush was still sampling the six hundred dollar bottle of champagne, that had mysteriously found its way to his desk, during Ms Crabtree’s visit, when Garth Izzard strolled into Mother Nature’s Bodyguards HQ, flanked by his most obsequious lawyers.
The dollar signs in Rush’s eyes flew like fireflies in a cyclone. The tender manager Billy Giant, appeared from nowhere, holding his pen like a flick knife, in anticipation of ruthless negotiations. The participants stared at each other across the boardroom table
like rival gangsters in a game of high stakes poker.

By three A.M the one hundred million dollar contract was a done deal. The tedium of re tendering charades was years away. “Get up ya mug” Matt roared, as Billy Giant collapsed from exhaustion on a crocodile hide door mat. “It’s alright he’s out cold, he can’t feel a thing” Matt explained to Rowena the cleaner, as he used Billy for a door mat on his way back inside, to get his keys.

Matt Rush, Billy Giant and HR manager Gaile Wilde embarked on a mission to assemble
the greatest conservation and land management crew ever to wear Mother Nature’s Body Guards high vis orange and forest green. Most in demand was former Western Sydney Warlords prop forward Richard Johnson. It was said that Lantana shrivelled and died in terrified anticipation of the first cloud of Round Up from his lethal weapon.
Johnson was most famous for mistaking escaped serial killer Ivan Milat for a bunyip,
after Milat made the mistake of robbing a cosplay store, in search of a disguise. Johnson was half way through barbecuing the notorious murderer for breakfast, when he realized his error. The revelation did nothing to diminish his appetite.

Once Johnson had been poached from Weed Busters, Liverpool’s landscaping, amateur stunt car driving and mixed martial arts legend Dangerous Dylan Donovan was in Mat Rush’s sights. The man could plant trees as fast as he could get a hand bag snatcher in a headlock. In the combat sports world, he liked to blur the boundaries between grappling and striking with his back flip double knee to the collar bone, followed by an aerial choke hold as his opponent crumpled to the canvas. Dangerous is also famous for pioneering the front flip double axe kick. The laws of physics and common sense flee from his path like finches from a leopard.

The unofficial reason for Dangerous Dylan Donovan’s employment was putting Richard Johnson back in his cage, if he insisted on using plutonium to kill Alligator weed, like he’d allegedly done during his stint at If it’s Noxious we Nuke It. According to David Attenborough, “Richard is disturbingly prone to taking things literally.”

It was rumoured Johnson was under investigation by ASIO and the Federal Police, concerning alleged links to the Russian mafia. Many assume that was how he acquired his long since confiscated stock pile of radioactive herbicides. Johnson was still in denial concerning the illegality of lacing Fluroxypyr with uranium.

Dangerous Dylan Donovan’s sidekick, Jumping Giles Corkhill, was renowned for splatter gunning Lantana in places where a goat wouldn’t dare tread. In his never ending quest for a more cost effective means of delivering herbicides to rugged mountainous areas, Giles had pioneered the adaptation of RPG’s to weed control.

Then there was Dexter Finklestein, a former botanist and master story teller. The man was like a psychedelic hybrid of Grandpa Simpson, Robin Williams and Aussie garden show presenter Don Burke. You could never tell when his forty minute talk on alternative methods of ironing would give way to how he once robbed a Melbourne tram with a cap gun, while dressed as a fifteenth century Japanese bandit. Dexter’s hobbies included pressing weeds and telepathic communication with ducks. With Dexter on board, Plant File was obsolete.

Oliver Oxford, the man who spoke of his heroics with the S.E.S, as though they were unsurpassed by the most daring exploits of the S.A.S, joined the crew as some sort of consultant. Precisely what his job description was nobody knew but he seemed to enjoy polishing tools, making sure the site boundaries had been marked correctly, listing his qualifications, discussing the botanical dictionary he’d been working on since he was four and ranting and raving about what he’d do if he were Prime Minister. What Oxford loved most was giving orders.

Ricardo Hohns, the last recruit, was renowned for cutting down African Olives and privets in his sleep. Some mornings he’d wake to find himself poisoning a stump halfway down a cliff. Matt Rush bought him a tent and made him the site security guard. After all, at 3am, how many things are scarier than a guy with a zombie like stare charging at you with two bow saws and a tube of weed killer? Drongo Vale local, and former member of the south western crew Laura Bogan, was appointed supervisor, on the basis of Matt Rush’s belief evil people get the job done.

Aware that Matt would be onsite, on the first day, Laura marked the site boundaries at dawn. A tennis ball skipped across the shallows of a heavily polluted creek, like it had been struck by Roger Federer and splashed an evil looking puddle into her face. The mouthful of water from Izzard Creek was infinitely worse than raw sewage. Laura looked about wildly for the culprit. She imagined Ricardo Hohns was responsible and wrote this down. After a few dabs of liquid paper the tennis ball became a rock. Laura rolled her eyes at Dexter Finklestein. Dexter was too busy reading the aura of the koala he’d just finished shaving and tattooing with his self portrait to acknowledge her.

Shock waves from Dangerous Dylan Donovan’s speakers had more than Laura’s coffee cup vibrating, to the tune of Uptown Funk.

“Too hot, hot damn, too hot for the Police and the Fireman,
too hot, hot damn, make a dragon want to retire man,
to hot, hot damn, say my name, know who I am……”

At first glance Dangerous Dylan Donovan looked like the best equipped bush regenerator she’d ever seen, then she realized his trailer was merely the casing for gigantic speakers.
Laura motioned for him to turn the music off.

“Mister Donovan, how are you? Wow, so these are the famous hands I’ve heard so much about. How about we put them to the test in my favourite cave. It’s a moist wonderland with countless satisfied visitors. There’s always plenty of work to be done there”

“I’ve heard about it. A couple of my mates reckon it needs to be fumigated regularly”

“What do you mean fumigated?”

“You know, pump it full of poisonous gasses to kill off the tiny monsters lurking inside. That place is more dangerous than Afghanistan, you’ve got to be real careful what you put in there.” Laura’s beaming smile transformed into a snarl.

Jumping Giles Corkhill, somersaulted to Earth from the lounge chair bolted to the floor of Dangerous Dylan Donovan’s ute tray.

“The boy knows how to make an entrance” Dangerous stated with pride; before turning his attention to Oliver Oxford. ‘Give me the run down on Golden Whistlers Oxford.
That’s one there isn’t it?

“The scientific name is Pachycephala pectoralis, Mr Dangerous. They’re distributed throughout eastern and southern Australia as far north as Cairns and as far south as Tasmania. They inhabit rainforest, scrub and open forest. Usually solitary and deliberate in their movements, they possess a sweet and ringing song.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t listening, can you repeat that Oxford?”

“Don’t annoy me by raving on about birds, I’m busy” was Dangerous response to take four.

“It’s okay Oliver, it’s all good practice” Rowena, the crew’s morale and safety officer consoled. She would’ve reprimanded Dangerous Dylan Donovan but his boulder pulverizing biceps, meteor shattering manly jaw and larrikin grin left her too dizzy to speak.

The news that Matt Rush, the owner of Mother Nature’s Bodyguards, was on site prompted the crew to scurry to the makeshift parking lot for a discussion on weed targeting priorities, the dangers of cutting down trees in which crew members had taken up residence and questions concerning how Richard Johnson had acquired a dozen mining helmets since signing on.

Richard had a gripe of his own. “I wanna know whose bin spreadin bullshit bout me being cannected to the Wussian Mafia. Whoever it is I’m gonna knock im inta the middle of next year.” Oliver Oxford, who had been front and centre poised to impart his knowledge on everything from Work Health and Safety legislation to the likely date of the apocalypse had mysteriously disappeared.

“What do you mean rumours? It’s true isn’t it” Ricardo Hohns piped up.
Johnson lurched forth like Frankenstein. He swung and missed, almost uprooting an African Olive. Hohns looked as relieved as a man who has successfully crossed Conrod Straight, during the Bathurst One Thousand, by a hairs breadth.
After regaining his composure, Ricardo sang “Do ya, do ya, do ya wanna dance”

“I hate that song” Johnson bellowed. As he covered his ears Riccardo lunged and planted a leaping overhand left on the point of his chin. It had less effect than a marble clanging against the turret of a tank.

Dangerous Dylan Donovan barked instructions ‘Riccardo, use your speed, circle clockwise, unload with a left on his recently re-attached right ear’

“What speed?” Ricardo asked.

“Betta find some real quick or I’m gonna havta step in for ya”
Dangerous removed his jacket faster than a Spanish bull fighter shifts his capote and flung it the length of a bowling alley, into the waiting arms of Jumping Giles Corkhill.
If he’d been any more accurate Giles would’ve been wearing that jacket.
Hohn’s taunted his Godzilla dwarfing opponent “Johnson, you look like a teletubby hybridised with a troll. You’re so stupid you’d crack open a coconut to make a cup of cocoa.”

Ricardo ducked beneath a haymaker that might’ve decapitated him if it had landed.
“Grow up” Rowena screeched, startling the combatants into statue stillness and shocking the cheering mob into silence. Any more of that and both of you can stand in neutral naughty corners all day without pay.”

Matt Rush, who had bet Dangerous two thousand dollars on Ricardo being knocked senseless by the first punch Richard Johnson threw, gave Rowena a nod of approval. Matt completely forgot about the coal miners helmets Richard Johnson had mysteriously acquired. It never occurred to management that Hohn’s vs Johnson might’ve been staged as a diversionary tactic, with the added bonus of $2000 being split three ways.

Within minutes, Large Leaf Privet massacring chainsaws and Lantana annihilating brush cutters destroyed the serene atmosphere once more. Only Dangerous Dylan Donovan’s sound system could compete with the cacophonous roar of machinery. A team of knap sack herbicide sprayers blanketed the vastest Moth Vine, Cape Ivy and Morning Glory patches, which had spread so rapidly time lapse photography was barely needed to watch their advance. Dangerous spread Acacia seeds on the patches of bare Earth.

A chain saw wielding Richard Johnson, stem injected the world’s largest African Olive with a jackhammer and a drum of diesel, before charging at the next Olive infestation like he was going over the top at Gallipoli. Four former NFL players, seconded from the landscape construction crew, hauled the slain weed trees from his path. Rowena Grey ran around with the grace of a flamingo dancing, in her bid to poison the stumps in time. Ricardo Hohns stacked the butchered invaders remains, between towering Eucalypts and Corymbias.

After morning tea, Ricardo and Rowena extricated Erharta From a patch of Weeping Meadow Grass. Riccardo was spellbound by Rowena’s tales of everything from mushroom farming to entertaining hospitalised children with her ukulele. He delighted in pointing out every passing Rufus Fantail and Yellow Robin. He named every rare native herb he spotted. What magnificent specimens of Solenogyne bellioides and Cymbonotus lawsonianus he proclaimed. One could be forgiven for thinking they were thought to be extinct since the ancestors of whales first fished in coastal shallows.

“Out of the sun Ricardo” Laura Bogan barked with the fury of a rabid Doberman.

“I’m perfectly comfortable” Ricardo answered.

“Get the fuck out of the sun now” Laura screamed, as she aimed the nozzle of a Staraine laden sprayer at his eyes. With his hands raised in the air Ricardo did as he was told.

“I’m just thinking of your safety Ricardo.” Rowena looked ready to flip Laura into an African Box Thorn thicket. Laura made a note in her diary “Ricardo always seeks the shadiest spots to work, at the expense of the crews health”

Richard Johnson yearned to spray an Asparagus Fern patch with Agent Orange. “Who is Agent Orange” he demanded to know, after Laura Bogan invited Rowena,
the site safety and morale officer, into the conversation on the whereabouts of his illegal herbicide supply.

After terminating the interview, Laura gazed at a pair of red belly black snakes slithering into a hollow Grey Box stump. Ms Bogan was nothing like red bellies, the timid puppy dogs of the venomous serpent world. She longed for a cup of their venom, to add to the crew’s coffee, in her quest for younger, more subservient replacements. Her crew damning diary contained more fantasy material than the complete works of JRR Tolkien. Ricardo Hohn was the main character. She’d hated him ever since he’d informed her the weeds she chastised him for ignoring were native plants. This diabolical humiliation occurred at the now defunct At War With Weeds, on the day the Challenger Space Shuttle exploded. Laura had been plotting her revenge ever since. Mother Nature’s Bodyguards CEO Matt Rush, looked forward to reading her damning reports.

The moment Laura disappeared from view “Richard Johnson rummaged through her bag. He was desperately hungry. The two litre bottle of Coke, packet of Oreo’s and the feral goat, he’d had for morning tea weren’t enough. He felt around for false compartments, sniffing for anything that vaguely resembled food. Eventually he pulled out an exercise book. After reading the chapter entitled Richard Johnson, he considered sending Laura Bogan’s van falling end over end into the broad, fast flowing creek, that wound its way through the property. The handbrake would be no use against the one man scrum that is Richard Johnson.

All he found in the other vehicles was a jar of instant coffee and the manuscript for Oliver Oxford’s memoir’s. According to chapter seven, Oxford taught Johnson the art of simultaneous brush cutting and knap sack spraying.

“That Mista Puniverse bludga musta shown me howta do it with the Lego version of a brush cutta and spraya. Otherwise howda fuck coulde’ve lifted em?” Richard Johnson raged. He went to lunch early, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. He was feeling a bit sleep deprived, so he poured the jar of instant coffee down his throat.

Johnson paid little attention to the late model silver Lamborghini he nearly ran off the road. The driver got a good look at the Mother Nature’s Bodyguards logo on the side of his vehicle. If Office Works had of been closed, it might’ve been the victim of a ram raid, for the sake of borrowing a shredder. Johnson fed the life and times of Oliver Oxford into the biggest, baddest document destroyer available.

“Are you going to buy that sir? You’ve been testing it ever since I started working here”
sales assistant, Melanie Tulip challenged him. He glared down at her, as though she were trying to talk him into paying five dollars a minute for the air he breathed. Then he used his unbelievably good eyesight to examine her sheer, lacy underwear. Shoddy brain surgery, after Johnson’s prize fight with a self driving tractor, had given him the ability to see through any clothing less opaque than a leather jacket.

“Your panties are blue” he stated, as proudly as if he’d just solved one of quantum physics most baffling mysteries. From that day forth, Melanie wore six pairs of stockings
and yoga pants beneath her trousers. Richard reread Laura Bogan’s diary as he drove back to site, only twenty k’s over the speed limit.

Johnson had one hand pressed firmly on the horn, to drown out everyone who had a problem with his latest multitasking feat. He almost side swiped Dangerous Dylan Donovan at an intersection. Dangerous’ own lunch time escapade would prove to be more action packed than Richard’s, but he didn’t know it yet. That afternoon, Richard worked as hard as a lone tank versus the United States air force.

“I am King Kong’s conqueror, Godzilla fears me. God, I dare you to unleash your fury upon me” he roared as he sprinted towards a patch of Inkweed, wearing a spray pack the size of a swimming pool. Dexter Finkelstein wandered off to share his supply of LSD with a wombat. Laura Bogan took her usual three hour lunch break, to visit her dope dealer and attend an orgy hosted by an extra terrestrial from somewhere in Alpha Centauri. It’s claim to fame was four breasts and more penises than fingers. Oliver Oxford spoke to everyone in earshot about the superior ergonomics of his loppers and his reclining camping chair. He shifted every hour, to saw another tree. He was one of those people who manages to do less work than the long term unemployed, without ever being out of a job.

Dangerous Dylan Donovan raised his middle finger as a scowling, silver Lamborghini driving, gang leader cut him off at the service station entrance. Dangerous was searching his wallet for cash, when something slammed into his cheek bone. Had a wedge tailed eagle just committed suicide on his face? Dangerous whirled around to see a shirtless body builder type shadow boxing and kissing his own biceps in triumph. Needless to say, he was not amused.

In his endeavour to give the narcissistic gym junkie some insight into his personality Dangerous grabbed his detachable driver’s side door and used it for a shield as he advanced. Luckily he was wearing Kevlar body armour beneath his work clothes and the door was reinforced with titanium because a variety of stolen weapons ranging from a crossbow to an AK-47 were trained on him. All of them were fired simultaneously. There was an eerie silence, once mirror boy’s henchman realised they’d exhausted their ammunition.

Jumping Giles Corkhill returned from the pizza store across the street. Dangerous Frisbee’d the ute door to him and motioned for him to reinstall it. He headed for the self kissing show pony, with his right arm cocked. A startled looking Mirror Boy took evasive action. In his haste he crashed into the outhouse wall. Now he was cornered, his ailing bravado was re-inflated. Donovan’s right arm was reminiscent of a cobra poised to strike. His left dangled by his side as though it were partially paralysed. As Mirror Boy prepared to counter a devastating right cross he was knocked senseless by a left hook.
“Idiot” Dangerous remarked as he strolled back to his vehicle and refueled.
“That’s Dangerous Dylan Donovan. The Americans call him the twenty first century Arthur Fonzarelli. The Chinese call him the Aussie Bruce Lee” A bystander proclaimed.

“I call him dead meat” the gangsters roared in unison. Jumping Giles Corkhill casually sipped his frozen Coke. Dangerous had gotten them into and out of situations more dire than this. He looked bored by the ease with which he flung his attackers into their vehicles. Jumping Giles slashed their tyres before they could disentangle themselves.
Two carloads of police officers took time out from replenishing their donut stockpile to arrest the thugs. Nobody had reported the fight. The service station attendants were reoccupied with putting out a fire in the dumpster and getting their lunch time exercise chasing away graffiti vandals.

“Not again” the owner Lawry Wise, moaned as he discovered the confectionery freezer had been stolen.

“Giles, I heard Conor Mcgregor is signing autographs at Drongo Vale Mall, that #### owes me money. Let’s pay him a visit” Dangerous declared as he turned out of Drongo Vale Service Station and put his foot to the floor. Fortunately for Mcgregor, he was on his way to the next book signing by the time Dangerous pulled up in the cark park.

If they’d watched the news that night Dangerous and Jumping Giles would’ve seen CCTV footage of their stoush with the Drongo Vale Boys. Mirror Boy and his cohorts had robbed two service stations in twenty minutes before their defeat at the hands of the most feared weed killer since Genghis Khan took up gardening. Overshadowing that triumph was Dangerous’ Australian Rules football style catch of a baby, who toppled over a Drongo Vale Mall railing. It was quite an impressive feat considering that he was chasing a handbag snatcher at the time. At last count there were four babies who would’ve gone splat, if Dangerous wasn’t looking for Conor Mcgregor, at the right time.

Laura Bogan missed the news as well. She was busy trying to contact Dangerous Dylan Donovan, to interrogate him about misuse of company vehicles.

“You’re telling me that speeding on two wheels is against company policy? Since when? I’m busy darlin, the Warlords are playin. I’ve got five hundred riding on the first scorer. We’ll talk about work at work. Then again, I’ll probably be too busy then too.” Dangerous turned the volume down, knowing Laura would screech for an eternity before pausing to discover he wasn’t listening. He recorded every call from Laura Bogan and sent the audio files to Ricardo to summarize the death threats.

Not content with disturbing Dangerous Dylan Donovan, during a Western Sydney Warlords match, Laura Bogan made the mistake of offending Richard Johnson again. “What do ya mean we can’t arm drones with herbocide cannins. I could fly em by remote control from my car during an extended lunch break. I’d neva be more than two feet from an ice cold six pack.” he raged.

“Garth Izzard isn’t paying the company enough to support the use of that kind of technology” she insisted, as one of Mother Nature’s Body Guard’s surveillance drones emerged from its hiding place in the clouds overhead.

Within moments of Laura being out of sight Richard had stolen her diary again and sped off on another Office Works escapade. This time there was a strong police presence in the shredder section. Melanie Tulip’s new trousers were as opaque as a fortress. An enraged Johnson wreathed photo copier laden shelving high into the air. Each rep was more reckless than the last. Exasperated with the local police’s refusal to risk pepper spraying or tasering Richard Johnson the manager tried a different tack.

“If I give you this state of the art shredder for free, will you promise to never come back?”

“I will consider your offa” Johnson replied as he headed for the car park, shredder in hand. It made short work of Laura Bogan’s forty thousand words of meticulous fabrication. Richard made a phone call to Oliver Oxford, who he hoped had taken time out from bird watching to fill up his herbicide spray pack.

Matt Rush initiated a video conference call, to discuss Laura Bogan’s diary. Richard Johnson listened from afar. Two kookaburras and three goannas suffered from strokes during his fits of maniacal laughter. The electronic copy of Laura’s diary had been mysteriously deleted from her laptop and online back up. Using her name for the password had proved to be a bad idea. Every member of the crew knew Lady Justice’s guillotine was about to descend upon her, except her. It was a guillotine they’d all had a hand in building, sharpening and polishing.

“Closed circuit television footage will show that since the beginning of the job Laura has repeatedly left site during lunch without returning until mid afternoon” Ricardo informed everyone.

Garth Izzard nodded his approval, as he joined the meeting from his Honolulu office. He forgot to switch off his camera as his four hands Hawaiian massage ventured into disturbing territory.

“It’s true Matt, it was quite cunning how Miss Bogan avoided the regular trails and built her own personal gates but not as cunning as Dangerous Dylan Donovan’s repositioning of the perimeter cameras.” Izzard confirmed. Richard Johnson was halfway to the airport by the time Izzard realized he was broadcasting some questionable muscle spasm healing techniques to the entire Drongo Vale crew.

Realizing she was destined for a long walk to the bus stop Laura Bogan attempted to ring her cousins for a lift and to organise a hit on Ricardo Hohns and Dangerous Dylan Donovan. In their current predicament it was surprising they’d managed to keep their phones. What was less surprising was that they were in prison for the armed robbery of two Drongo Vale service stations and conspiring to rob a third.

Scammer Slammer

Towering Angophoras and Corymbia’s were frozen in a looping, twisting dance, waiting for the wind to animate them once more. “The Whistling Puppeteer is the ultimate choreographer” the Surreal Art Psychonaut mused as he strayed from the main track. The overgrown path was clogged with fallen branches, bulky enough to crush a bunyip. An epicormic limb fell to it’s death, missing the Psychonaut’s misshapen cranium by the width of a geranium.

Fifteen minutes into that mystical explorer’s marathon, Margot Shugg, the local grammarian, greeted him via Facebook messenger. Hearing from Margot at 3am was more surprising than getting reception in the forest. Well there was a photo of Margot attached to the profile anyway. Strangely, none of their previous conversations were visible. The Psychonaut scrolled through his messenger contacts and sure enough there was another Margot Shugg, the real one.

“Are you there?” Margot’s impersonator asked for the fourth time. The Psychonaut had seen more patient Golden Retrievers during dinner. Anyone who has ever seen a Golden Retriever eat, has surely wondered how they don’t give themselves whiplash, as they attack their meal like it’s three days late and about to fly away.

“Are you there” the faceless criminal purporting to be Margot asked the Psychonaut once more. He decided to have some fun.

“Margot, you’re still the queen of the night owls I see and dynamite on the dancefloor I bet. All the youngsters must be in awe of you. How’s life been treating you?”

“I really can’t complain too much, bills are getting paid, eating every day, got friend, living comfortable”

“Margot, your grammar is as impressive as a manned mission to Neptune. Shakespeare would be in awe”

“Yes. I’m so happy and full of joy today. Guess why.”

“Has that X rated romance novel you’ve been working on rocketed up the New York Times best seller list?”

“Have you heard about the united nation award IFC?”

“No, I can’t say I have. What’s Tom up to these days, have you seen him lately?”

“Not really”

“That’s probably a good thing. I heard he joined the airforce and was lucky not to get court martialled, after almost crashing into the control tower. He calls himself Maverick now, what a wanker!”

“I am bet you love too hear about IFC. It is International Finance Cooperation. The IFC are helping people with some grant money to help deaf, retired, disabled, widowed, military, employees, unemployees to maintain the standard of living”

“Interesting. Do go on.” the psychonaut typed as he Skyped Storm Fox, one of his associates, for a coded chat. It’s unlikely that anyone listening in could’ve discerned that they were discussing anything besides which restaurant to go to the following evening.

The scammer continued “The money is being given to people from them to pay rents, bills, homes, pay school fee for children and lots more. I got $50,000 cash from them.”

“Wow.”

“You too can get money. Because I saw your name on the winner list. Federal government IFC Program. They are helping all people for self service provider and you don’t have to pay it back. Do you know how to apply for it?”

“Sounds legit. Please tell me how I can my hands on all that cold, hard cash”

“I will give you their Facebook page where I apply so you can apply there as well. Are you there?”

The Psychonaut decided it was time to crank up the craziness “The arrival of the glowing pterodactyl pig is imminent. It makes the swiftest Peregrin falcon look as pedestrian as an inebriated slug.  The glowing pterodactyl pig, look how it plays with such zeal, with the risen gargoyles, oh how they shattered their graves. After thee, they will fly, buoyed by a tiny tornado”

“Should I send you the agent link now?”

“Send it to the glowing pterodactyl pig, to appease his sadistic spirit”

“You dey mad”

“Yes, I’m very angry. Spell Czech, that meddling editor, he keeps changing pterodactyl into redirect. Spell Czech, he’s the one they should sacrifice to the glowing pterodactyl pig. That Jurassic abomination should leave you alone, at least until I get my cash”

“Should I send you the agent links now?”

“Agent Lnyx, haven’t seen him for years. Last I heard he was trapped in a parallel universe, on an asteroid where clouds sky write lyrics, for a contortionist hippo’s symphonies. It’s the only place where I’ve seen a hippo conduct an orchestra with its ankles behind its ears, twice. The drummer is swifter than the beating of a dragon fly’s wings. The saxophonist has wings. The violinists stab carnivorous butterflies, with their bows, between strokes.  If you return Agent Lynx to this world, I’ll be eternally grateful”

“Just click on link, www.internationalfinancecooperation.org and you too can get lots of cash. This Agent Lynx, you buy him back”

“I’m confused, Margot, you’re knocking on my door. I can see you out the window. Now you’re doing handstand pushups, while waiting for me to let you in. How do you type while doing handstands pushups?”

“Voice recognition softwarw”

“Surely, only the Shimmering Egg Man has the power to make typos with voice recognition software. Are you the Shimmering Egg Man?”

“Yes, I the Shimmering Egg Man, he send you to where there lots of cash. Just click on link.

Are you sure you’re the shimmering egg man?

“Joking, ha ha, I Margot silly”

“You’re Margot Sealy? You said before that you’re Margot Shugg. I just Googled Margot Sealy and she’s a mattress”

“Grrrr, you dey mad, for half an hour we talk, you talk shit bull whole time, I go now”

High above a Manilla warehouse, wingsuit warriors descended from a nearby crane. They glided between office blocks as casually as eagles. One looked remarkably like a bipedal pig and the others were so hideously deformed by injuries and body modifications that they were reminiscent of Gargoyles. Not even the tiny tornado, that caught them by suprise, dented their confidence. The Margot impersonator couldn’t have looked more suprised if it had been a tiny alien spacecraft that crashed through his office window.

“We didn’t mean to land here, we got stuck in a tornado. I’m the Glowing Pterodactyl Pig and they are the risen gargoyles.”

“Margot’s friend said you would come.” the scammer blubbered. He was a quivering mess, lying helpless in the foetal position beneath his desk. The Glowing Pterodactyl Pig and the Risen Gargoyles grotesque smirks grew as they helped themselves to the contents of the scammer’s bar fridge and considered their options.

Back in Australia, their boss reached his plot of land in the middle of the forest. He bounded up the steps of the Temple of the Risen Gargoyles. A statue of the Pterodactyl Pig, towered over the waxworks cyclops kneeling at the altar. Five hundred more of those three dimensional metaphors filled the pews. The Psychonaut expected to have millions of one eyes supporters, within a decade. He rehearsed the introduction to his first sermon, with the intensity most people reserve for warfare.

Internet scamming was that tricksters favourite fundraising method. There were several degrees of separation between him and his scammers, so surely it was a freakish coincidence that one of them had contacted him. He wasn’t taking any chances though. The bit about the Glowing Pterodactyl Pig and the risen gargoyles being buoyed by a tiny tornado was wild speculation for a lark. He’d fully expected his hideously deformed henchmen to use the door.

 

 

 

Cash Stash

A beehive, in an abandoned lounge chair,
sits at the blackberry infested entrance
to the strangest stretch of suburban creek line in Australia.
The brambles conceal a Casuarina grove
decorated with tinsel, angels and strap on dildos.
Forest regeneration in Feral Valley
is more surreal than a blizzard in Tahiti.

In the centre of a Cestrum and Tobacco Bush infestation,
Kirk Mcdonald spots the rusting remains
of a flower power era bus.
The guitar stashed under the bonnet
is as unblemished as a music shop display.
The only instrument Kirk can play is the radio.
To him, music is merely auditory maths.
He thinks nothing of smashing the six stringed treasure,
to reach the wads of cash inside.
Despite the oven like heat,
Kirk empties his water bottle
and stuffs it with excess wads of one hundred dollar bills.

Sharing with the crew is unthinkable.
Bush Regen Jesus would spend it all on bibles,
to leave in the glove compartments
of atheists and pagans.
A man who thinks Methusaleh lived to be 969
cannot be trusted with money.
The Crown of Thorns Parading Goat Fucker,
that slithering Janus,
he’d waste it on fighting defamation suits.
Princess Sheree, she’d squander it on cosmetic surgery.

The afternoon passes like a drag racer with a death wish.
It’s thirty seconds to beer o’clock.
Kirk looks as focused as a clay pigeon shooter,
on the verge of pulling the trigger,
that ring pull doesn’t stand a chance.
An entire case couldn’t have sickened him
like the sudden realization he’s lost his wallet.
He hasn’t seen it since he smashed the guitar,
to set a quarter of a million dollars free.
It was full of cards for his home bonsai business.
What if the cash stasher finds it?
Kirk’s heart rate accelerates,
like a salt pan searing jet powered car,
as his horror movie ring tone sounds.

‘I know what you did, you’re gonna pay’,
a bone marrow freezing voice promises’
Within seconds of Kirk dead locking the door,
and closing his bullet proof roller shutters,
a thunderous knock drowns out the television.
A bikie, built like King Kong, waits impatiently.
Why is he carrying a bucket?
Maybe it’s filled with hydrochloric acid.
Kirk’s fear subsides,
once he realizes the unkempt goliath
is raising money for charity.
Just in case a cash retrieving sniper
is hiding in nearby shrubbery,
he slides change beneath the door.

Kirk runs the gauntlet,
to the convenience store,
for cigarettes.
On the way home,
a black panel van sidles up beside him.
As the door slides open, he flees
like he’s being pursued by a starving lioness.
“I’m lost, can you direct me to the motorway”
the driver pleads.
Kirk warily consults Google maps.

The cash scavenger’s bowels loosen
as he’s surrounded by gang members,
in a stray cat infested, laneway.
“Have you seen my guitar ancient man”
their leader menaces.
“Y-y-your guitar, w-w-what does it look like?”
“Have you seen my guitar ancient man,
I think it was stolen by a geriatric fan,
a tragic geezer in need of a busking ban”
“Y-y-you’re just singing a song?”
Their good natured laughter is like desert rain.

The stairs to Kirk’s ensuite creak and groan.
In his terror stricken state he can’t remember
if he’s hidden the cash beneath the floor,
or left it on the kitchen table.
“Yoohoo, Kirk, is that you?
I baked scones.
You look as worried as Uncle Freddie,
the day the police questioned him
about an armed robbery, are you ill?
I’ll make you some vegetable soup.”
“Knock next time mum”

“They don’t know what I did, it was a prank call,
Kirk repeats long into the night.”
Screeching tyres shatter the early morning serenity.
“I know what you did” the driver roars,
before departing at rubber melting speed.

On Monday morning Kirk has two cups of coffee,
followed by coffee on his cocoa pops.
To calm his nerves for the journey,
from the front door to the driveway,
he dresses in riot squad gear
he purchased for a fancy dress party.
“Don’t ask” Kirk warns,
as he stops at a friend’s to change.

The bushland reserve,
where Kirk will be drilling and poisoning
Large Leaf Privets and Camphor Laurels,
is home to hundreds of foxes.
It offers perfect camouflage for snipers.
Maybe it’s time to move to Darwin.

“I know what you did” Bush Regen Jesus roars
as he holds up two charred bibles
and a few that have been defaced
with graffiti of Judas performing fellatio on Satan.
I found the video of the bible burning
on a USB drive in your wallet.
I perused your porn collection,
to make sure there’s nothing too sinful.
The rumba videos
were the most depraved thing I’ve ever seen,
until I laid eyes on those beach volleyball ladies.
They’re Satan’s concubine’s…”

“Did you look in the folder marked X?”

“What’s in there”

“Ah, nuthin, just pirate’s treasure”

Varnished and Vanished

Jade painstakingly sculpted Myrtle,
the bipedal, amphibious, octopoid,
from mottled marble.
The black garnet pupils
of her green fluorite eyes
looked ready to grow and shrink
in light and shadow.
Mining magnate Martin Martyn
paid more for this lifelike marvel
than his driverless Rolls.

Myrtle was Jade’s lover Opal’s preferred murder weapon,
in Art Museum Mayhem,
her latest theatrical gem.
Jade wheeled the loan on to the studio apartment set.

The place was as chaotic as manic poetry.
Opal’s sister Helena was assembling kitchen cabinets
without instructions, that alone
was as ominous as a tsunami warning in the Maldives.
Their cousin Hugo, had smoked enough weed
to believe a claw footed bathtub,
in the lounge room,
surrounded by a fern jungle,
was a home decorating triumph.
His husband Darius bored holes for picture hooks,
with a drill that hadn’t been tested and tagged
since Reagan continued his acting career
in the White House.

Between beers and bowls of ice cream,
Darius and Helena raced each other up the fire escape,
giggling like toddlers.
They’re in a competition to see who vomits first,
Hugo explained to the bath’s scuba diving gargoyle.

Jade meditated amidst the madness
with the aid of a blind fold,
hermetically sealed ear muffs,
and a cork igloo as thick as the Ross ice shelf.

Upon opening her eyes,
she noticed the sculpture trolley was as empty
as a politician’s promise.
Months of honing her search skills,
for the Federal Police,
proved as useless as a granite dartboard.

Her one thousand litre pot plants had been toppled.
Nobody remembered a mini tornado invading the balcony.
The wine glasses perched on the window sill
looked as stable as Olympic divers.

Opal once told her tower climbing, ex-girlfriend Jacqueline,
she buried cash in pot plants.
Had Jacqui taken her more seriously
than rumours of lunar cactus swamps?
Ecologists cameras ridiculed her crime time location claim.
Only an albino goanna and a graffitied turtle were recorded.
Opal’s radio was found in Jacqui’s back pack.
Detectives wondered if she’d
dropped Mrytle, the amphibious, bipedal, octopoid
into a foam rubber lined dumpster.
Shifty Shannon Shamrock, a homeless man,
camped in bus stop shrubbery,
was her suspected accomplice.
He was filmed climbing into the industrial bin.
His explanation sounded as unconvincing
as stories of Mars being terraformed
by Saturnian cyborgs,
but the damning evidence was circumstantial.
Rumours that Shifty was a pub salesman,
of everything from mobile phones
to comic book tribute toilet paper,
lead nowhere.

Multimillionaire buyer Martin Martyn
had seen Jade’s masterpiece evolve
from a slab to the finished form.
He waited for its twin to emerge,
from beneath her chisels and lathes.
Myrtle the amphibious, bipedal, octopoid, mach two,
was more lifelike than the original.

When Jade returned
from a book exchange adventure,
Myrtle the Second wasn’t herself.
Martin Martyn was as oblivious as an oyster.

After observing Helena glancing nervously
towards the kitchen cupboards,
Jade found the false wall,
behind the pots and pans.

The Woman with the Flame Robin Tattoo

1.

Masquerade belly dancers flowed across sprung maple,
as effortlessly as mermaids swaying through aquamarine.
Bethany’s shimmering waxed crown
merely altered the flavour of her beauty,
nothing could detract from her radiant gateways
to alternate universes.
She recited my paper aeroplane poem
‘It’s an honour just to see her move.
Oh how I long to taste the rising tide of her nectar,
to inspire an ecstatic lullaby
that escalates into a climactic scream’
‘How bold’, the raised eyebrows
of the translucent robed fantasy weaver proclaimed.

“Would you like to see our apartment,”
her voluptuous, cocoa complexioned, girlfriend offered,
unaware of the magnitude of my obsession.
Polyamory seemed poisonous then.

 

2.

That winter I spotted Bethany on ArtisticSingles.com
Her pale jacket was perfectly camouflaged
by a snowy backdrop.
Wayward strands of her wavy dark hair
reminded me of an old world forest,
its Autumn splendour buried beneath ice and snow.
Her serene gaze summoned thoughts of a stone cottage,
in the depths of blizzard ravaged woods;
the harsh glow of electricity
never to illuminate its bronze age walls.

Then she was seated at a grand piano.
Her strapless, emerald, satin dress,
revealed a perfect rendering of a Flame Robin in flight.
I imagined her to be on the verge
of playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

In a flooded valley,
she snorkelled to within reach
of a mediaeval cathedral spire.
The final photograph was a silhouette
framed in Kirlian colour.
By the time I’d composed a message
her profile had vanished.

 

3.

Montages of Bethany’s magnificent performances
dominated my thoughts,
as waves thundered into rocks
a thousand rungs below my recliner.
Before I spoke in sentences
a fisherman was swept from the ladder,
in front of my uncomprehending eyes.
With Bethany on a virtual stage before me
I couldn’t finish the first paragraph
of bank heist, ritual murder
and courthouse graffiti articles.
The cabaret theatre finally faded
as a story pondering the disappearance of poets
seized my attention.
According to The Daily Reflection they’d received death threats,
in handwritten calligraphy, on human skin.
The eliminator vowed to throw her rivals
into box jellyfish infested waters.
‘Belly dancing and spoken verse wunderkind Bethany Trellis’
was rumoured to be the latest abductee.

From my cliff top hideaway I scanned the surf,
with a powerful telescope,
in search of porpoises and dolphins.
On the tip of a sea ravaged headland,
a Flame Robin adorned woman gazed at the blazing horizon.
Remnants of a mighty wave concealed her.
Spray plummeted to Star Fish havens below.
She’d vanished!
Had the ocean claimed her
or had she departed from the storm whittled stage
as discreetly as a magician?
Was she was real,
or a radiant shard of a shattered mind?

 

4.

I walked the winding cobblestone lane
from my cliff top village home
to the river mouth.
Trestle tables, laden with baskets of fruit,
lined the path to the shore.

In a vacant meadow,
the girl with the Flame Robin
emblazoned upon her shoulder blade
played a duet with the rising wind.
I waited for one of the villagers
to toss a coin into her barren instrument case,
to prove she was real.
“I feared you’d been abducted and murdered”
were the words imprisoned in my throat.

As I warned off a chihuaha stalking fox,
the enigmatic trobairitz vanished
as swiftly as that shifty canine.

 

5.

The promotional posters, at Crystal Temple,
were the size of a swimming pool.
I would’ve recognized Bethany’s silhouette minus the aura.
The orchestral splendour of a grand piano
drifted down a spiral staircase,
washing over surreal landscapes
like surf caressing the beach.

The pianists tuxedo was as moulded
to her towering, curvaceous figure as her cocoa skin.
Exquisite lace, nestled beneath her regal ensemble,
was as pronounced as wrought iron wildflowers.
Ladies who’d thought themselves more immune
to the charms of womankind than a eunuch
found themselves in the thrall of her pan-romantic sorcery.
Her Goddess humbling form was upstaged
by the frantic ballet of her talented hands.

Ribbon twirling contortionists
accompanied the sultry musician’s miraculous voyages
into the possibilities of sound.

The most exquisitely proportioned Goddess of music ever deified
was overshadowed by the mystical aura of the host.
If she were an epic poem, the silky smooth thighs,
vanishing beneath her flared satin skirt
would’ve been the least meritorious detail.
It was easy to imagine her sleeveless, iridescent blouse
choreographing the opalescent lighting.

The raven haired, Flame Robin inked, compere
recited a poem from my anthology Phantom Pilgrimage.
Her melodic voice wrapped around the audience
like divine light.

It’s Time to soar beyond the Canopy

Every chrysalis has split asunder,
our wings cannot be overwhelmed
by the deluge following the thunder.’

Adorned by pendants of jade,
we dance in a Wattle glade,
admiring cherry grevilleas
and crimson bouganvilleas,
until the heat begins to fade.

Mauve dusk gives way to moonlight.
Awkwardness melts and passion rises,
expert hands spring intimate surprises.
Sensuous animals and souls embrace
as mouths caress and fingertips trace.
Hearts are healed with summit prizes.

We cross Poseidon Creek by lantern light.
I see word pictures of your soul in auburn eddies,
which I recite before the Sun God
reveals its blazing Cyclops eye.
Venturing back into graffiti defiled urban wild
fails to murder the magic.

At the culmination of that euphoric tale
I thought I saw the vividly hued Robin
inked on her shoulder blade,
fly above the crowd and vanish.
After the dimming and brightening of the lights
her back was a blank canvas no more.
An enigmatic smile graced her lush, blood red lips.
To this day I cannot say
if the flight of the plump, diminutive bird
was a hallucination, special effects or real.

 

6.

After the show, Charlotte the piano wizard
sold memorabilia in the foyer.
I waited in vain for Bethany to appear.
The oil of her testing the narrative limits of a Spanish guitar,
was it there when I entered the auditorium?
The midnight haired beauty,
on the tip of a sundrenched headland,
hadn’t she been standing beneath a waterfall
before the show?
Her birth name is Bethany Trellis
but only the woman with The Flame Robin Tattoo
captures her layers of mystique.
She is the essence of Bubushka.
Since then I’ve been as close to her
and her piano virtuoso lover as their gourmet dessert,
but probing questions are met with no more
than a twinkling of her sapphire gaze.

 

7.

Charlotte was banished
from the realm of the Flame Robin Princess,
after succumbing to the wiles of an actress
who steals lovers with the zeal Stephen Hawking
explores the mysteries of astrophysics.
While Bethany walked the streets,
lamenting the death of the relationship,
a tranquilizer dart missed her
by the width of a violin string.
The gossip mags devoted more ink to pondering
Charlotte’s wary eye bordered jellyfish tattoo.

The anniversary of my paper aeroplane poem
interrupting Bethany’s belly dancing troupe
was as momentous as the moon landing.
I found a copy of Phantom pilgrimage,
with lipstick all over the dust jacket,
hiding beneath free samples and pizza vouchers.
In the evening, a dusty wooden crate
mysteriously appeared on my veranda.

I waited to dawn to prise open the lid
and remove three ornately framed canvases:
a telescopic view of a statuesque figure,
on a sun drenched headland;
a close up of the sender
wearing nothing but an enigmatic smile
and a painted enlargement of a poem,
in my handwriting.

The opening verses read,
“Street lights surf wavelets across the bay.
Moonlit Casuarinas stand sentinel over fragile soil.
Flying foxes surf the midnight breeze.
This symphony of movement,
is conducted by the swaying of the belly dancer’s hips.
Her gestures sculpt the clouds into an alien menagerie.
In contrast, the intricate portrait in my coffee
is as unimpressive as a toddlers stick figure.
She steps with the lightness of hoverflies,
as I gaze into the galaxies of her eyes.

It’s an honour just to see her move,
oh how I long to taste the rising tide of her nectar,
to inspire an ecstatic lullaby
that escalates into a climactic scream.

 

8.

I heard footsteps on the stairs.
Bethany had the audacity
to stroll through my house unannounced.
In her hand was a series of sketches
I’d bought from a street artist a decade ago.
Pairs of Scarlet, Flame and Pink Robins
looked set to soar from the page.
‘That was you’
she laughed at my stunned expression.

I removed a velvet box
from the bottom of the dusty wooden crate.
Inside were Bethany’s annual self-portraits,
ranging from a toddler’s smiley face
to Archibald Prize entries.

Her mind was elsewhere.
‘Poet, how versatile is your tongue’,
was among her questions.
By the time we collapsed into each other’s arms,
few fantasies remained unexplored.

9.

Bethany selected her Saturday night outfit
from a suitcase the size of a coffin.
I watched in horror as calligraphy
in the style of the poetess death threats
protruded from the pocket
of her bouquet embroidered jeans.
She put on an exhibition
of ambidextrous mirror writing,
in more styles than the F.B.I’s forgery files.
‘Maybe the one in your handwriting is a suicide note’
she quipped, after setting it alight
and burying the charred remains in a pot plant.
“I copied the calligraphy of the poetess killer,
for a comp run by www.twistedhorror.com”
she insisted, as light heartedly as she’d
declared herself the better darts player.
“Let’s play Robin Hood,
I’ll tie you up at sword point
and give your stereo to the poor” Bethany pleaded,
as she played with my ornamental cross bow.
“Something wrong with my timing”
an impish grin spread across her angelic face.

 

10.

There was a thunderous knock at the door.
Charlotte was as insistent as a wolf
starving a child from the safety of a tree.
Exasperated, we let her in.
Her eyes were wild with fury over unanswered calls.

Videos of missing poets, chained to each other,
inside a tunnel as anonymous as a composted corpse
arrived in Bethany’s inbox.
They thrashed about in a human eyeball
and box jellyfish infested tank.
“You’re next” a text bubble menaced.
Charlotte looked as unmoved as a snuff movie fan.
Her tattoo was beginning to look as ominous as a swastika.
Bethany trembled as she rang 000.
Charlotte snatched at her phone.
Holding her back was like wrestling Ronda Rousey.
Somehow I escaped with my shoulder sockets intact.
The videos were on YouTube,

A police car arrived.
Minutes into ‘protective custody’,
we were handcuffed,
herded into a warehouse at gunpoint
and confronted with a box jellyfish infested tank.
Lifeless bodies floated on the surface.
“You ignored my warning” Charlotte lamented,
as she pointed to her tattoo. 

The apparent victims were erotic android doubles.
Pseudo police officers fled the scene.
The abductees were found in a forest,
a mile from the scene of the prank,
looking as refreshed as meditation retreat residents.
Detectives suspected them of colluding
with the manufacturers of their sex toy lookalikes
but evidence remained as elusive as Bigfoot.

 

 

 

Photo

David Cook

www.flickr.com/photos/kookr/581400435

Some rights reserved, you must acknowledge the author, provide a link to the license and indicate if changes were made. You must not use the material for commercial purposes or prevent others from doing anything the license permits.

 

The Wrath of Erskine Jay Magoo

I was shown a thing or ten about fondling and beyond
by Cassandra Sapphire Parella, a statuesque blonde,
with the sweetest chest morsels either side of the pond.

Then she married bondage guru, Erskine Jay Magoo,

that guy lived to discipline her with Bernard Bamboo
and give tips on technique while his disciples did too.

Cassandra still wanted my mushroom tipped rocket.

Her alleged free love hubby said he’d steal and hock it.

A text message mutilation threat is a prior confession,

but ‘jail’s Erskine’s free hotel and he loves aggression.’

I haven’t seen Cassandra since Erskine met her, it’s true,
but facts mean nothing if you’re a twit looking for a blue.

Rumours of Cassandra and Conor Mcgregor’s love child,

proved real danger renders Mister Magoo meek and mild.


* In Australian slang, a blue is a fight,

Photo

Rogerio Silva

Claudia, Sit Portrait, Graphite B3

www.flickr.com/rogerioarte/8469939199

Some rights are reserved, you must acknowledge the author, provide a link to the license and indicate if changes have been made. You must not use this work for commercial purposes or prevent others from doing anything the license permits. For further information use the link above.