Soren Sarin Siren, the Soapbox Superstar

Dwite the Sprite Knight, was surprised to see Alan the Asbestosis sufferer, rocketing along, on his Pride Pathfinder 140XL, at a footpath blistering twenty kilometres per hour. Who, or what, was he fleeing? The Pride Pathfinder was no match for the acceleration of Dwite’s 1968 Schwinn Stingray. That beast truly was the chieftain of the footpath.

“Why are you crying Alan, what happened?”

“Soren Sarin Siren, the Soap Box Superstar, said I’m not entitled to compensation.” Allan briefed Dwite on what to expect.

“Don’t worry.
I’ll mail that NAZI admirers mouth to the waste transit station of the Holocaust Museum. On second thoughts, they might think that’s the sick joke
of a deranged psychopath, so I’ll destroy him in a debate instead.”

“Fuck him up, hit him with your thirteen pun combination Dwite” Alan, the Asbestosis sufferer roared, as they closed in on their quarry; who was busy admonishing Cindy
the sexual harassment suit litigant, who’d had the audacity to whine about wine aficionados sleazy slurs. When he saw Dwite he froze in panic.

“Soren Sarin Siren, the Soap Box Superstar, I presume. You baffling, bantering buffoon, I am your angel of doom. Soren, you’ve claimed that Vlad Enterprises shouldn’t have to compensate asbestosis sufferers, who are terminally ill thanks to Thames Vlad’s products. Soren, your mind is a lopsided labyrinth, designed by an idiot, that has been warped by the summer heat and cracked in the cold, outside the library. You’ve never been in there have you. Revisiting your argument is like watching an Ed Wood movie twice. Who is Ed Wood? Ed is to directing movies what Craig Mclouglin is to comedy.
There are worse things in life though and asbestosis is one of them.

Let’s address your argument in support of Vlad Enterprises, if you could call it an argument. It’s like calling a billy cart a sports car, only less convcincing. According to you, expecting Thames Vlad Enterprises, to compensate terminally ill asbestosis victims, from the twentieth century, is like expecting the new owner of a fish and chip shop to compensate food poisoning victims, under the old management. Strangely, I’ve never heard this argument, from a representative of Vlad Enterprises. Soren, you should chair one of their think tanks. If Vlad Enterprises isn’t responsible, why did their shareholders vote in favour of billions of dollars of compensation? Oh, a poor little corporation bullied by the law and disabled pensioners, such a sad and famaliar tale.

Thanks to fibro, Vlad enterprises has more cash in their coffers than Scrooge McDuck. Is the new owner of your analogical fish and chip shop, benefiting from mountains of money, stemming from isolated incidents of food poisoning? How about you take your legal and ethical fiction and hide it in one of the volcanic pimples exploding from your arse. Soren, you are to nudist beaches what Donald Trump is to MENSA…

2 thoughts on “Soren Sarin Siren, the Soapbox Superstar

  1. I had to read this twice before working out that the siren was a man and not a woman. Soren Sarin Siren, the Soapbox Superstar is such a mouthful. Do you need it all to describe the corporation’s mouthpiece? The message is so true and these corporations are heartless. For me, Soren Sarin etc. drowned the message.

    1. Soren is a male name. I’ll give you some background information. Soren is named after a prominent NAZI war criminal. His middle name Sarin is a nickname to reflect his toxic personality. You’ve probably heard of sarin gas, the nerve agent that was developed by NAZI scientists, in the late thirties (initially intended to be used as a pesticide I think). Then the NAZI’s considered using it as a chemical weapon. It’s been used that way since World War Two. Since Soren sees himself as a soapbox superstar I think it’s a good way to describe him. His last name Siren reflects his thirst for attention. I’ll have a look to see whether I think it’s worth using his full name and description less often.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.