Glumdrabba could fit a football in his mouth. His ears are invisible, without the aid of an electron microscope. The nostrils between them are as useless as an Australian Prime Minister. They couldn’t detect anything as subtle as bullshit. Somehow I mistook Glumdrabba for a Homo sapien, until he claimed our world has enough forests. It was then that I noticed he looked more termite than human.
Enough forests? Glumdrabba should’ve looked out the window as his spaceship approached the surface. His idiotic confidence was disconcerting enough to cause a bout of selective amnesia. I forgot that old growth forests need buffer zones. I forgot that trees older than European settlement are rarer than pink diamonds, in the national parks I frequent. Their value lies in their potential.
What’s that Glumbrabba Junior? Oh, there isn’t even one pink diamond in any of the national parks I’ve been to, so how could the ancient trees be even rarer? Well Glumbdrabba Junior, either I was speaking metaphorically or I was referring to the rarity of pink diamonds in general, not in a particular place. That’s right, not an army general. No, a metaphor is nothing like a meteor. Don’t you have sixteen candles to blow out? How silly of me to think you could calculate that when you’ve only got twelve fingers.
Junior’s dad wanted to build a multi level carpark beside the world’s largest tree. That sounded as crazy as eating razorblades to hack up an ever expanding tape worm. Glubrabba’s know all grin was a synaptic vampire, so I couldn’t explain why. Reforestation is a major part of the solution to global warming. Somehow I failed to recall that too.
Glumdrabba’s hordes built mountainous nests. The forest views they craved were soon replaced by an endless expanse of desert. The last skeleton crumbled to dust long before Glumbrabba’s descendants arrived, in search of his remains. Despite my mental fog, I did share the fact that the conservation industry is a net job creator, but he’s an expert on planets he’s barely been to, so he didn’t listen.