The Bogan Vale Art Society was horrified to discover
the debut exhibition in their gigantic new gallery
consisted of bare plywood passageways.
Children abandoned the sculpture garden / playground
to stalk their way along bland corridors
with light sabres and laser guns.
Local hobbyists were livid.
The bare wall space could’ve been used
to hang their clumsy attempts
to emulate Frederick Mccubbin and Albert Namatjira.
Art Society President Pablo Renoir
threatened legal action
with a letter written in blood.
According to Jeremiah Elijah,
his exhibition was the ultimate in artistic genius.
Never before had an installation invited onlookers
to explore an infinite array of possibilities.
He sold two million copies of a compilation
of his most creative hate mail.
Within seconds of an online troll
threatening to cut out Elijah’s eyeballs with a spoon
and feed them to his half starved Pit Bull,
he strutted into the gallery,
drew a solitary circle
and swaggered to his Rolls Royce
as though he’d just become the first man
to do a quadruple back flip
from the one metre springboard.
This piece of theatre was enough to inspire a sequel
to his hate mail best seller.
By the time Jeremiah had decorated his passages
with a square, triangle and his piece de resistance the octagon,
two maniacal mixed martial artists
wanted to teach him a lesson in the octagon.
A petition demanded legislation,
to ensure empty walls and blank canvasses
can’t be exhibited in an Australian gallery ever again.
As the publicity storm was peaking,
Jeremiah Elijah entered the gallery
on a motorised, unicycle,
to cut the shapes from the walls.
Behind the square window
Charles Darwin looked baffled by
Goanna and orangutan hybrids
and their stories of Satan faking the fossil record.
The ape lizards, otherwise known as gorangutans,
looked strangely like celebrity creationists.
The triangle window revealed part sculpture, part CGI,
ship abducting submarines beaming themselves
to other dimensions and back.
The octagonal window featured waxworks
of the most homophobic mixed martial artists on the planet,
locked in a passionate embrace;
the same fighters who had threatened
to snap Jeremiah Elijah’s limbs like twigs,
for defrauding the public.
Elijah anonymously doubled the funding
for his most influential critics.
His mixed martial artist models
Glen Glacier Gladstone, the unstoppable force from Finland
and Terrence the Torturer Tallis,
the Time Bomb from Tennessee,
thought the pink leotards were a step too far
but Jeremiah had done a magnificent job
with their eye shadow and mascara.
The Bogan Vale Art Society
needed to commandeer a cow paddock
for the flood of tourist buses.
The text from their president Pablo Renoir simply read